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You're awfully Pretty..

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you idiot. [18 Mar 2004|05:37pm]
[ mood | moody ]

i hate it when people say supposably

it's supposEDLY you fuckers!


i've been rather grumpy these days..or as my "lover" would say...ive been a: little bitch.

which ever you prefer is fine by me.

just acknowledge the fact that you're alone and always will be, you pathetic human being.


note: im fucking bored!

iloveyouall...

4 stood | Please Stay..

i cannot. [13 Mar 2004|12:29pm]
[ mood | my stomach hurts ]

I can't delete this journal. =/

BUT

New journal...

foreveryoursxx


so, add it if you want, then if you don't..then..you don't! simple as that!

Please Stay..

Some of you will hear from me again.. [11 Mar 2004|02:46pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

One of the reasons why I'm so honest and emotional in this journal is because I have no one. Not a single friend out there. No one to listen to me whine about how ugly the weather is, or how much i love staring at strangers. I have no friends. & that depresses me sometimes. I thought I did, but in the end...they only want something from me.

This journal was for me. So I could talk about anything. Yeah, sometimes when I got too emo, I would cringe and delete a lot stuff because I was afraid of what others might think, but eventually convinced myself that no one read this, so I could be as honest I wanted to.

Then little by little, strangers started Instant Messaging me talking about my journal and how they relate to me. There's one particular person that I adored. Blair. She was super nice. (do you still read this?!!) The first time she IMed me, I almost cried because I had no idea a complete stranger thought these nice things about me. I thought the whole livejournal world laughed at me for being so honest and well..for being me. She said she felt like hugging me & I do need a hug. =/ The only hugs I get are from the same person who destroys me. Weird, eh?!

Sometimes I thought I got too personal and should make this friends-only, but thought that was stupid because the whole purpose of this livejournal thing is to meet people and how are they going to know about you if you only have one post saying, "Friends only"?!! And I adore all my livejournal friends.

I doubt if I'll be missed, but I'll miss you guys.

In case you haven't noticed, this is a: goodbye

Adios!

5 stood | Please Stay..

Mexico can fucking wait.. [10 Mar 2004|10:33am]
[ mood | cheerful ]

It's been hot as a bitch these days..

I went to some ghetto ass clinic yesterday. I was very amused by the nurses. They looked like they were on crack. Prolly were. -shrugs- The good thing about this place is that...EVERYTHING is...FREE!!! Ahahah. See, the thing about me, is that..I'll get in a line if I'm going to get something free. LOL! I think a lot of you would too. Don't lie. You so fucking would.

I saw Jessica yesterday, and...we were sooo going to kill each other in 30 minutes. ahaha. I just need her attention. =/ And she busted out with , "What do you need me for?!! You have Nancy!" Err! But it was lovely seeing her last night. Oh wait, I saw her on Monday too. I bought her some ice cream so she could feel better. She was feeling a bit under the weather.

I just..I'll do anything for the bitch. Heh. I told my friend as we were going to Savon, "Damn. You see?! She tells me she wants ice cream, and I'm already asking what flavor and jumping on the bus.." Ladies and gentlemen, Jessica has me wrapped around her little finger. I'm completely: sprung. Oh well. It does hurt a bit, actually...it hurts a lot, but you know..I'm going to learn so much from this. At least I hope so. Nah, I KNOW that after this whole stupid drama shit, I'm never going to be this stupid again.

My future girlfriends/boyfriends (ahaha. as if that will ever happen..) are going to be extremely fucking jealous of Miss Jessica because I'll never love someone like this again. And it's a shame that nothing will happen.

Ash asked me what attracts me to her. I was about to slap him silly saying, "Are you kidding me? Have you seen her? Let alone talked to her?!!" Jessica is beautiful the way she is. She has something about her...maybe it's her eyes, or her smile, her soft skin, her unique personality, her love for America, her strange voice, her annoying FAKE laugh, the way she looks at me, or maybe..it's just everything. She's hurt me like no other person, but you know what?!! I wouldn't change a thing about her.

I think I may be in love...

Life goes on though, right?!!

One thing that really cheers me up is blowing soap bubbles. Oh my God. I can spend the whole damn day blowing soap bubbles and be in heaven. I kid you not. They're so pretty...so if you're ever feeling down...put on your favorite music and start blowing soap bubbles.

And yes, my mood is cheerful coz I am. And I'm enjoying it. Be happy for me.

Have a nice day.

<<3!

2 stood | Please Stay..

i realized something last night.. [07 Mar 2004|12:21pm]
[ mood | amused ]

I want to party with Ernie & Bobby every mutherfucking weekend! ; )


i think they'll be up to it too.



yeah, last night was...good.

Very good.

Please Stay..

you seriously make me want to die. [06 Mar 2004|06:22pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

Ernie called me up today and asked if I had a hangover & he was very surprised when I said I didn't. I never get hangovers. I think I just jinxed myself?!! Oh well. So I guess I'm going to get hammered tonight again?! I really don't want to. But once I'm there..bored out of my ass, I'll start drinking. My cuts really hurt. =o/ They're not deep or anything so I guess they wont leave any marks. Good thing. I don't want to seem like some crazy fuck that went crazy with a dull blade. Though that's exactly what I am.

Bobby's Mom really likes me. She saw me and gave me a hug and said she missed me. I was very surprised because I thought she thought I was some sort of drunk broad. Bobby was telling me all sorts of things & I was touched, I had no idea that people out there care for me. lol. So I'm ready. To go out. I was looking at myself today and I don't know how they don't see how miserable I am. They being my family. Especially my Mom. I know she knows I'm not happy. That's why she let's me go out and gives me money without asking what it's for. I felt bad yesterday though...here she is..giving me money so I could get drunk.

I wondered off by myself last night for about 30 minutes and all I was doing was sitting on the floor of the laundry mat. Just sitting there...telling myself off. How much of a drunk I am. How pathetic I've become. Way more than when I thought I was in love with him. Yeah. That made my poor little heart hurt more.

I want attention. I crave it. And I don't get it. I have to be a real bitch to get someone to notice me. I was thinking about how everyone would be so utterly shocked if I committed suicide. It made me laugh. I don't know how my Mom didn't hear me crying like a little bitch last night. I was laughing, crying, cutting and hitting myself. Yeah. I need help. The only reason I'm talking about last night is because I want to say that I realized something...nothing lasts forever. I've said it before, but think about it. NOTHING lasts forever, not even pain. So I'm going to be okay one day. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe for not 10 years or something, BUT...I will be okay one day. I'm looking forward to that fucking day & I'll be very thankful for all the advice I got from my drunk friends.

You also have to remember that I am a Walking Contradiction. Yeah, it takes a lot of nerve to say that, but I just did. So what?! I feel very empty. And I don't like this feeling at all. I can hear the saddest story ever and I'll feel sad for one second & then I'll end up saying something stupid like "Shit happens.." The only thing that makes me feel, is what makes me cry. So I guess I'm fucked.

Please Stay..

the angel from my nightmare [06 Mar 2004|02:18am]
[ mood | drunk ]

I'm fucking drunk. & yes, I'm miserable. I cried.


this whole situation makes me a crybaby.




i cut myself tonight. oh god, im becoming like everyone else. it may sound stupid, but the physical pain made my heart feel better. get my mind off it. it still hurts...i can't stop crying.

i don't know how im going to hide my arm tomorrow. =/ i feel so stupid. ahahahaha.


i deserve it you know. i deserve everything. i need to die. my existance is meaningless. i am not important.

i am so miserable. i miss my best friend Lupe. She's changed & no one seems to understand me. Maybe I don't want to be understood. Maybe I'm just meant to lose all the time. & be alone forever.

Fucking feel sorry for me. Really, you shouldn't. I'll probably delete this entry tomorrow, but right now...im being honest...I am not okay.

& I wont be for a long time.

</3
19 stood | Please Stay..

i will not call you back. [04 Mar 2004|12:02pm]
[ mood | sick ]

I was reading my entries yesterday, & I sound so sad all the time, and that so isn't the true! Only when I'm alone. & I'm alone during the day, so yeah. But I'm fun when I'm out in the streets. =D

I used to always be out with Liz during the night, but it's so cold now, & since my dad makes me sleep over my grandma's house every night, I can't do shit! & that's when I get really sad because I have no one to talk to. -sigh- I'm really sick too.

Fuck this.

[if only it were true, huh?]


Artistic
You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla


i hope no one gets sick.

it sux so bad! :(

Please Stay..

Everyone is so pretty...'cept for me. [03 Mar 2004|12:41pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

*cough cough*

Meow. How is everyone?!! I hope every single person is doing good, coz I'm not. I feel so shitty. =/ Yes, someone give me a hug. A nice one too. Filled with love. God, have you ever noticed how needy i am?!! It is annoying. SORRY! :P

I changed my layout..sorta. & it's okay, I think?!! AHH! I sooo suck at this livejournal crap. I just want it to be pretty, & Becky is the one who makes it that way...yeah.

Why am i addicted to the Real World? It so isn't "real". I think I'd be the one everyone came to, because I'll listen to anyone. And try my best to give good advice. But I don't go to anyone. =/ I've had terrible experiences where I tried to be open about how i feel, & they put me on hold.

Oh God, I'm lame! ahaha.

I need to some medicine. & I'm hungry.

<3

Melissa

7 stood | Please Stay..

Show me your pretty scars.. [02 Mar 2004|07:41am]
[ mood | melancholy ]

I talked to my old best friend yesterday...
We had a good conversation about..I really don't remember, but..it felt right. After we hung up, I felt sad because she's changed so much. She used to be this person you'd love to be around. The thing is, she can't fool me. I know she's miserable. & she told me she always hated that about me.
That I read her like a fucking book.

You know, I hate drugs. I really do.
You should never do them.
I've seen what it does to people.
It can change the nicest most loving person, into a heartless monster. Not only are you hurting yourself, but those around you! It hurts them to see you snort that shit up. (or whichever drug you fucking do)

If I try hard enough, I can still feel my heart brake,
when i saw her sniff that crap up her pretty little nose.

I used to want to do it.
And almost did once..i wanted to feel closer to them. To see what the big deal was. But I knew if she found out, she'd never speak to me. And I could never risk that..

I feel like an old person saying,
"Don't do drugs! Do the right thing!"
but in reality,
I'm the kid among these people...

They all carry purses, and wear fancy shoes
while I'm still walking around with my sweater,
my old beat up sneakers, & not combing my hair.
Still laughing LOUD when someone falls.
& still being secretly scared of the dark

Sorta like I'm jumping in a puddle of mud,
& I'm begging them to come play w/me.
Once in a while, I'll convince a few to come
and play. But for the most part...they don't
want to get dirty. & I'm left alone.

---------------------------------------------

umm. umm. I don't know! =/

im awfully lonely & stupid these days.
please forgive me.

I used to tell Jessica that I wanted to read a novel about lesbians. Not erotic shit, either. Just a love story. So i found "Keeping you a Secret" by Julie Anne Peters. It was alright I'm awfully glad I started reading "On The Road" I'm only on chapter 4, but it sounds good.

My favorite book is "The perks of being a Wallflower" I don't know why, but I absolutely LOVED it.

I feel like a nerd talking about books, but i do love reading. <3

x

Please Stay..

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