You're awfully Pretty.. (sundays_bestest) wrote,
You're awfully Pretty..
sundays_bestest

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you seriously make me want to die.

Ernie called me up today and asked if I had a hangover & he was very surprised when I said I didn't. I never get hangovers. I think I just jinxed myself?!! Oh well. So I guess I'm going to get hammered tonight again?! I really don't want to. But once I'm there..bored out of my ass, I'll start drinking. My cuts really hurt. =o/ They're not deep or anything so I guess they wont leave any marks. Good thing. I don't want to seem like some crazy fuck that went crazy with a dull blade. Though that's exactly what I am.

Bobby's Mom really likes me. She saw me and gave me a hug and said she missed me. I was very surprised because I thought she thought I was some sort of drunk broad. Bobby was telling me all sorts of things & I was touched, I had no idea that people out there care for me. lol. So I'm ready. To go out. I was looking at myself today and I don't know how they don't see how miserable I am. They being my family. Especially my Mom. I know she knows I'm not happy. That's why she let's me go out and gives me money without asking what it's for. I felt bad yesterday though...here she is..giving me money so I could get drunk.

I wondered off by myself last night for about 30 minutes and all I was doing was sitting on the floor of the laundry mat. Just sitting there...telling myself off. How much of a drunk I am. How pathetic I've become. Way more than when I thought I was in love with him. Yeah. That made my poor little heart hurt more.

I want attention. I crave it. And I don't get it. I have to be a real bitch to get someone to notice me. I was thinking about how everyone would be so utterly shocked if I committed suicide. It made me laugh. I don't know how my Mom didn't hear me crying like a little bitch last night. I was laughing, crying, cutting and hitting myself. Yeah. I need help. The only reason I'm talking about last night is because I want to say that I realized something...nothing lasts forever. I've said it before, but think about it. NOTHING lasts forever, not even pain. So I'm going to be okay one day. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe for not 10 years or something, BUT...I will be okay one day. I'm looking forward to that fucking day & I'll be very thankful for all the advice I got from my drunk friends.

You also have to remember that I am a Walking Contradiction. Yeah, it takes a lot of nerve to say that, but I just did. So what?! I feel very empty. And I don't like this feeling at all. I can hear the saddest story ever and I'll feel sad for one second & then I'll end up saying something stupid like "Shit happens.." The only thing that makes me feel, is what makes me cry. So I guess I'm fucked.
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